I met a girl last night. I was at a Friday night Chabad Shabbat service. Her profile is what I first saw of her and she had the largest nose I had ever seen on anyone and she looked like she was around 16 years of age. I immediately felt bad for her. Physical bias affects everyone more or less.
The first thing you see about an African-American is that they are black skinned. The first thing you see about someone who is overweight is that they are large. I’m short of stature. That’s the first thing you notice about me. All of these physical things change the way we grow into our being.
Since I’m short I’ve spent my entire lifetime being underestimated so whenever I undertake something I always try to excel beyond average. That’s how my short size dictated how I grew into the world.
When interviewing for jobs it became a clear pattern in my life that I would often make it to the final two candidates and those hiring would always take the other, taller guy. I think they would look at my resume, then look at my short stature, and doubt that I had actually accomplished all that my resume said I accomplished. So, they picked the other guy. I realized the pattern early on and knew my skills were there so I started my own business and hired myself. It was tough but I worked hard and succeeded.
If I were 6’4” instead of 5’4” I would have gotten those jobs and my life would have taken a whole different course. Men who are 6’4” tall walk into a room and look down on everything. They see the tops of everyone’s head. I walk into a room and see equal or up on everything. He and I live in totally different worlds.
The 6’4” guy is sought after by every woman in the room, short and tall. My chances land on only the shortest ladies in the room and sometimes not even them. My sister was only 5 feet tall and she only dated men over 6 feet! Woe is me!!
I was married once with no children. If I were 6 feet tall it’s probable that I’d be married 3 times with 5 children. Hashem didn’t have that plan in mind for me.
Tall guys never even think about whether they can reach something on the top shelf of a store. That happens to me quite often. I remember once just being able to reach a package of small underwear on a shelf. From top to bottom they were arranged from small to large so I could just barely reach what I needed and the big guys had to bend all the way down to reach what they needed. I remember thinking that the person who arranged this was neither short nor tall. That’s the way the world works.
There are many physical things you can change and there are many you cannot. You can’t change your height and you can’t change your skin color. This girl could change the size of her nose but it would still pass on to her children. I bet she likes the size of her nose because it keeps away a bunch of potential suitors who are only interested in physical beauty. Instead of putting on a tattoo or false eyelashes she reads the Torah. She outwardly claims, “I’m letting Hashem lead me wherever He wants to take me for whatever purpose He wants!”
I can only imagine how brutal it must have been growing up in grade school and high school with her physical imperfection. I’m guessing she was never accepted as a friend of any of the cool kids. The jokes and slurs must have been constant, most she didn’t hear but some she probably did hear. How much crying did she do? What kind of conversations did she have with her mom over it? It’s likely her mom and/or her dad passed the trait along to her.
So, here’s this girl with a big nose and I’m feeling sorry for her. I assumed that she was orthodox as she walked into the Chabad with two other women and a young guy. But I found out later that she only coincidentally arrived at the same time they did and didn’t know them at all.
Another young guy attending the service introduced himself to her and shook her hand which I thought was odd because you’re not supposed to touch an orthodox female if you are a male, not even to shake their hand. I later found out that my assumption that she was orthodox was completely wrong.
After the service all of us were walking as a group to the Rabbi’s Sukkah for dinner. She started out walking with the two younger guys and I thought it a bit strange that after a while they both kind of created some distance away from her. And although I tried to stay away, not wanting to get between her and her contemporaries, you can’t stop Hashem when he’s got something in mind. Soon we were walking right next to each other and conversing.
It turns out she’s very smart, and sharp as a whip. 25 years old, not 16, and a therapist. Her name was Sarah, named after her grandmother and I mentioned it was the name of Abraham’s wife. She smiled, “yes that too.” She said she was brought up secular but was learning a lot about Judaism and she hesitantly self-described as Conservative. And so that’s why it was OK for the boys to shake her hand.
We talked about her desire to have children. She brought it up. Was she subliminally communicating to me she was clearly seeking a mate or am I reading too much into it? No ring on her finger and no male accompanying her.
Within ten minutes of speaking to her I realized that this was the most beautiful and desirous woman I had ever met. I’m single but I’m old enough to be her grandfather so there’s not a whole lot left to this story. The boys in the group were probably too young and became afraid of her obvious intelligence and forthrightness so they gradually moved away during the walk.
Sarah and I proceeded to walk past a local, fancy, hotel and passed by four teenaged girls obviously dressed up for some big event inside. All four of them looked like they had just stepped out of a Fashion magazine: perfect hair, nails, makeup, dress, shoes, purse. Sarah immediately recognized they were all engulfed in a huge ball of insecurity in spite of their celebrity appearance.
In the middle of our conversation Sarah quietly, but forcefully said to them, “you’re looking very pretty girls!” Every one of them heard her and responded with insecurity relieved “thank yous.” They didn’t see Sarah as 16 years old and they didn’t see the size of her nose. How did Sarah zoom in on this and know what to tell them at exactly the right time? And how did she feel so compelled to inject herself into a group of strangers to deliver an uplifting message?
“Those are secular girls,” I opined.
“How do you know?” she asked.
“They weren’t dressed very modestly,” I responded.
Before I was even done with my sentence she blurted out, “Lashon Hara!” Lashon Hara is the Jewish “devil,” the evil influence. There is also a Jewish Angel known as Lashon Yetser, the godly influence.
I burst out laughing. She was absolutely right. She caught me using my eyes in a way that a Jewish man isn’t supposed to be using his eyes. The hems on the girl’s dresses were closer to their private areas than they were to their knees. The evil inclination enveloped me and she let me know it. Sarah saw 4 insecure teenagers. I saw 4 overly sexualized young girls.
I could learn a lot from her.
Sarah was wearing off-white linen pants and a quiet white shirt. She had beautiful long brown hair, clear eyes, and a warm smile. She is the perfect catch for a really good Jewish guy who will see the size of her nose for only an instant and never see its size again.
She knew exactly what those girls, strangers, needed at that moment in order to assuage their insecurities and provided it. I guess she was good at spotting female insecurities because of the life Hashem had her grow into. Her compliment to girls she did not know enhanced planet Earth, bringing a piece of heaven down to this material planet.
I’m so curious how she grew so wonderfully into herself having such an obvious physical challenge. The funny thing is that when you view her not in profile you don’t even notice it.
I was asking her about when she realized that she wanted to move from secular to religious and how her family received that decision but at that moment we got separated and I never found out. Perhaps Hashem planned it that way so I’d have a conversation starter in case we meet up again.
I’ve brought this story about Sarah for all the secular guys out there who think a Jewish woman is more of a problem than an asset. Well, I’m here to tell you one very important thing: you only need to find ONE. She’s out there and she’s very cool. She’ll make your life better than you can ever imagine.
Sarah is real. She’s right there looking for you. There are many, many Sarah’s out there. Stop knocking them and stop seeing only their profile. Yes, Jewish women can be a bit kooky. But, so are you. Just don’t stop looking.
And ladies, the same is true for you. If you are looking for tall, dark, and handsome you might find him but probably not. Meantime don’t underestimate that short guy. Don’t immediately reject the bald guy, the heavyset guy, the shy guy. You just might discover him to be the most desirous guy all the others immediately rejected.
Along the same lines, moving from secular to religious is not the big thing you think it is. Our culture sees religious people as bible-thumping, closed minded, hypocrites. A few are but most aren’t. I almost never quote scripture except to remind myself and others of the Ten Commandments.
If someone offered you a magic baton, like the one a relay racer carries that had the capacity to glow and tell you exactly what to do in every situation in life in order not to make mistakes or get into trouble, wouldn’t you carry it enthusiastically? Well, that’s what the Torah is. It’s a magic glowing baton! Answers to every question you might ever have in life is in there. You just have to read it! If you don’t read it, you’ll never know.
When you first start reading the Torah, the first five books of the Old Testament, you’ll say to yourself that you just don’t get what everyone is so crazy about. That’s normal. Hashem writes a book for the human mind. It’s simple and it’s incredibly complex. It’s straight forward and it’s impossibly coded. Eventually you’ll understand what an amazing piece of literature it is. And all the answers are in there!
As you put more and more religiosity into your life things will change for you. Don’t worry. You won’t become a Bible-thumping, scripture quoting lunatic person! I really don’t know any Jews that are Bible-thumpers. They may pray a lot but they are not walking the planet barking scripture to anyone who will listen, and neither will you.
I rarely talk to my secular friends about my religious observance. They know I go to Friday night Shabbat services, but beyond that I don’t share how or why I observe. Like Sarah I might say in conversation, “that’s one of the Ten Commandments,” when discussing an issue. But that’s as far as I go. And just like it’s obvious if a person is secular or religious by the length of their skirt, you can distinguish the religious from the secular if they quote a Commandment without ever quoting any scripture.
It's time you got started. The Torah I read is by Rabbi Chaim Miller and can be purchased on Amazon at the following link, https://www.amazon.com/Torah-Books-Rabbi-Chaim-Miller/dp/1934152269. (This link can be found on the Transcript of this podcast or at Jew2u.com “Reading List.”
Buy it. When it arrives at your door you don’t have to open it right away. You can if you want to but you can also let the vibes marinate in your house. Being excited and eager to read Torah helps a lot.
Before you decide to read even one page go first to Chabad.org. It will tell you what that week’s Parshah is. The Parshah is that week’s “chapter.” Every day in most synagogues the parshah is broken down into seven parts, one for each day. One day’s reading is anywhere from half a page to two pages, no big deal. Just read it even if you don’t understand what you are reading. Soon, you’ll get it. Hashem is not a barrier, He’s a helper.
The Torah I’ve recommended denotes, “first reading,” “second reading,” etc. which corresponds to Sunday, Monday, etc. By consulting the website at Chabad.org you will be able to go right to that day’s reading. You will be reading what all Jews all over the planet have read that day and what Jews have been reading on that day for the last 3,000 years. You will be hooking yourself up to a powerful something. That powerful something is called Judaism. Welcome!
Shalom
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